A professional GOT IT!

I have battled depression off and on since I was 12 and I am almost 50. I have been having some very low points lately and have been seeing my psychiatrist more to try to get my meds right. I saw her this morning and she completely got what I was saying about AA and 12-step. I had a feeling she understood before because she never called me on my complaints or tried to correct me on them. Today she acknowledged that she absolutely understood where I was coming from, wow, relief. She is fairly young, so more professionals might be catching on, or at least I hope so. In the midst of a lot of personal pain, this was a small flicker acknowledging that I am not someone who is turning their back on "miracles" but someone who is genuinely seeking real help. I am not "dishonest", as an AA friend recently accused me of being, but I am the most honest I have been in my life. I still feel like HELL but maybe there is hope for a new direction in my health. I have a disease, it's called depression, not self-centeredness, not self-pity, not lack of meetings. My brain chemistry doesn't work right and dammit, that's ok so long as I am doing all I can to get the medical help I need.

Comments

I just wanted to comment on how well you described an aspect of AA that for me is why am in this battle. Thanks!
Property of Dog's picture

When I realized that "honesty" meant acknowledging I needed medical help rather than delving into more and more step-fueled self-hatred, I WOKE UP in a way that was rather dramatic. It was like "where the fuck am I?" sober. I've been trying to remember "who the fuck am I?" ever since because I lost that person somewhere along the line.
SimonTemplar's picture

sINCE EARLY/GUESS back when my parents divorced or about when Mom took to drinking hardsame time fighting depression/suicidal ideation I've already metnioned how Vietnam was for me 2 things/one I could KILL LEGALLY AND secondly- A WAY TO DIE HONORABLY as SUICIDE is against most of society's standards/ woulda made mommy look bad But somehow/if you get killed in a WAR -= IT'S OKAY TONIGHT WAS WONDERFUL BREAKTHROUGH 6 YEARS O WAITING TO HOLD SOMEONE THAT I DEARLY LOVE and fighting after wards/she wanted to jsut stay in dance room and \ was about to fight w/2 or 3 other girls w/o knowing why they were pissed off But while fighting/why do you stay here?Why don't you go home? I'd asked myself that so damned many times Yet WTF after 6 years o waiting /she reached out to me I got to hold her/touch ehr and was it worth waiting for YES/SWEET OPPS SPELL CHECK/DREAMS { caint write reams}dreams it's 0327 here and time to sleep. so good luck to one and all EVERY BODY'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING You know some shrinks learned /all human beings are searching for something so Adverts = this is waht youve been searching for--AA/underarm deoderant new computer/cell phone/book/desk/chair etc ad infintum ad nauseam Sweet dreams are made of these? WTF did I do Oh she damned well had to kiss me/and it was different from anyone else. Keep trying /all I can say cause I surely am crazy. But tonight I'll have such sweet dreams.bittersweet and she's ahted AA from first look at BBook. /Love God=get loved back love a woman and pray she'll love you back.No guarantees w/people I did cheat/got her blasted drunk.knew she'd not be afraid then. Small mistake/when she was angry/ shoulda cheated again and just kissed her-= to answer her question. Why don't you leave thailand???? Woulda just perfectly confounded all questions. Lighthouse in mtns/light's shining so alls well.gotta build new bridge.

I SPY

Orange's picture

That is good to hear. And come to think of it, my doctor never recommended A.A. to me either. Maybe he knew something that he wasn't saying. He just told me to quit drinking or I would die. My choice. He never said that I was powerless. He said just the opposite. He said that it was in my power to choose whether to live or die. So choose, he said. I'll always be grateful to that doctor for giving me no bull.

Lots of common thoughts there ,depression in childhood ,being told in aa/na that it was all my fault and to work the program harder ,they think they know it all ,well one size does not fit all ,but they think it does ,been away from the roomz now for over two years and starting to grow on my own two feet ,feel free to make my own choices be who i want to be ,P.O.D. a psychiatrist told me at the local hospital years ago not to get sucked into aa/na to have a life outwith ,should have listened to him instead of 15 years of being brainwashed ,went back at christmas to 2 meetings to see if anything changed ,NO still the same boring shit ,same people stuck in a rut not able to think for themselves ,do i really want to associate myself with people that are controlled by other people ,i think not ,that is not growing that is being controlled ,i have not drunk for nearly 13 years and i have no intention of drinking ,but that does not mean that i can't enjoy myself occasionally with a little something to get me on another planet ,i gave up smoking after 45 years with no program ,the reason for stopping ,it was killing me ,everytime i lit up i knew that i was playing Russian roulette ,i wanted to stay on this planet a bit longer ,it wasn't easy but well worth it ,been smoke free for 5 years ,best decision i ever made ,P.O.D.thanks for your post keep up the good work ,i dont post much but i do come here every day just to see what's happening ,your friend from across the pond ,Lamy .
lamy
SimonTemplar's picture

times I still want to go back just to say how f'ng much I hate/despise them. waste o time/noone will listen/just OMG he has a RESENTMENT THANKS FOR REMINDING ME/waste o time nothing changes in the cattle-calls Lighthouse in mtns/stil learning how to use a cell phone/and damn but computers one wrong click and all's deleted/

I SPY

NoAAUK's picture

'not lack of meetings. ' That's the crux of the matter. Steppers aren't really bothered whether you stop your habit or not, what they really want is for you to keep attending those cult indoctrination sessions they call meetings and speak as they speak, preferably in robotic tones and nob your head solemnly in agreement with cult verified truths
......and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Matthew 24:11
SimonTemplar's picture

I HAVE LUNG DAMAGE/COPD One gob attcking me.who dtuhhh fck are you that you don't come to meetings EVERY DAY/ Now you get rid o your whore and leave your work w/Police and move back ehre to Chiangmai did not give shit about how polluted C-mai is could care less if I choke to death.from the pollution 2nd highest rate o CANCER from air being filthy just wants me to attend meetins/and feel big/he OBEYED ME. fck you and your lung troubles/bring bigger oxygen tanks just attend our damned meetins what's funny is their"BIBLE" says learn to depend upon God for sobriety /as long as you depend upon people you're not really sober/yet WTF we want you at our meetings or another game/You're being SELFISH /you have ohh gee soo much to offer to others/you should really Attend meetins How dare you actually practise what we preach and trust LIGHT INNER ENERGY/INNER LOVE FOR SOBRIETY LIGHT DESTROYS DARKNESS/LOVE CONQUERS ALL goota buld a new bridge/burned down the last one.Yo needs help.

I SPY

Property of Dog's picture

When I quit smoking I did it because I was having a hard time getting up stairs without being winded, and I was in my early 30's. I thought "this is ridiculous" and quit. I had heard people in the rooms talk about using the steps on smoking and all that nonsense, and whine about not being able to give it up, but I thought it was complete over-kill to have to rake myself over the coals because my body had gotten too used to having nicotine. I haven't smoked since.