New Faith-Based Treatment for Alcoholism
Serenity Street, a traditional 12-step residential drug and alcohol treatment facility, is proud to announce the addition of Papa Doc Charlie Ngobo of Haiti to the staff, to enhance the spectrum of faith-based treatment options available at the center. Papa Ngobo is a master voodoo witch doctor, who has 30 years of experience in the practice of spiritual medicine for the treatment of hexes, evil spells, demonic possession, and zombification. Papa Ngobo explains that he favors the pointing of the chicken leg bone for treating alcoholism, combined with the shaking of an amayomama voodoo rattle, and chanting secret incantations. And, says Papa Doc, occasionally "You steek dee acupuncture needles in dee voodoo doll, mon, and eet keep you sober."
Papa Doc Ngobo continues, "Rarely, mon, has dees seemple program been known to fail, except for a few unfortunates, mon, who are constitutionally eencapable of being honest weeth demselves, mon, while dey is having duh chicken bones shoved in dey faces."
Indeed, the patients are already enthusiastically recommending the new therapy. Said one, "This new spiritual program of treating the whole patient, mind, body, and spirit, is wonderful. Just as soon as we even began to accept the Voodoo Trinity of Bon Dieu, Legba, and Damballah as our Higher Power, we commenced to get results."
Papa added, "Dee Voodoo program never fails, mon, eet eez dee eendeeveedual who fails dee Voodoo program."
Another patient remarked, "Papa Ngobo has an infallible method for ending all selfishness and self-seeking immediately. When you surrender to the Higher Powers of Bon Dieu, Legba, and Damballah, you become a mindless zombie without a shred of ego, self-will or self-centeredness remaining. It's wonderful!"
And a patient who had been an agnostic said: "That floored me. It began looking as though religious people were right after all. My ideas about miracles were dramatically revised right then."
Papa Doc commented, "Dees Voodoo program eez spiritual, not reeleegious, mon. Eef eet were reeleegious, mon, den I couldn't get all of dat Medicare and health eensurance money, mon."
Papa Doc Ngobo left us with one last piece of advice for handling cravings, "You steek dee lime in dee coconut, and dreenk eet all up. You steek dee lime in dee coconut, and call me in dee morning..."
Serenity Street is also proud to announce that they have signed an employment contract with Ms. Helga the Witch, of Devonshire, England, who will soon be bringing her own special brand of faith-based, "eye of newt, wing of bat", spiritual cures to the clinic.
Furthermore, Serenity Street is in deep negotiations with a certain famous Count who resides in Transylvania. This Count is reported to have had a compulsive drinking problem for centuries, a problem that he just recently overcame with the help of a twelve-step therapeutic program. It is hoped that the Count will soon be another insightful, helpful counselor at the center.