I kid you not. Check it out...
Farmville Intervention (6 minutes) -- actual family intervention of a mom who gets seriously way upset when her sons won't let her get on the computer to harvest her crops.
You know what, you guys?? She can't help it. She's powerless. She has a disease. Being a Farmie made her life unmanageable. Her sons had to intervene. If someone took your computer away, you'd be upset too! She can't help being a Farmie, I tell you! She's powerless! She has a disease! She was born that way! Listen to me. It was 'genetically predetermined before she was even born' that some day she would grow up and become a Farmaholic.
It wasn't her fault, you guys. I've heard her story. It's supposed to be anonymous, but you guys won't tell anyone else, right? Okay? What's said here, what we say here, what we read and hear here, it ALL stays here, right? Okay!
Her story is a disturbing one. While in-utero and then later while nursing, her mother would 'moo' angrily at her. The daddy was even more vile. He incessantly 'oinked' at her, then he would tell her not to tell anyone... right after he gave her some of his seed. Yeah. Pretty sick, huh? One day she laid a huge egg while crying in the barn. The egg cracked open and it was dead. She was never the same again. To escape the terror of her childhood, she retreated to the pigpens and tended the smelly hogs, wishing she were invisible. As time went on she left the farm, moving over to the next county and got herself her own farm, far far away.
Is it any wonder she played Farmville for so long?! It was her escape. Memories haunt her of her parents' moo-ing and oinking abuse on the farm. All the animal sounds yelled at her long ago still scream in her head. She escapes the torment by farming. When her 2 farms progressed to becoming an unmanageable 2000 farms, she was arrested for over-farming, her combine was impounded, and she was arraigned in court.
Didn't I tell you her story was a sad story? I would gladly trade my tractor for that combine! But I digress, sorry... So, anyway, the county judge punished her, sentencing her to 90 years in... (yes, you guessed it!)
Farmville Addicts Anonymous
She didn't want to go, but she wasn't given any other choice. She screamed to the judge, "I don't have a problem! I just like farming! I can quit any time, I tell you!! Pleeeeeease don't send me there!" The judge told her she was in denial.
While incarcerated at Farmville Addicts Anonymous, she soon realized it just did not make any sense whatsoever. The OldTime Farmies lovingly gave her a cow chip at her first meeting, and told her to Keep Coming Back. The worn out Farmers Almanac that Farmer Wilson threw on her lap was from 1939.
"This is ridiculous!" she rebelled, "I can't grow my farms organically with this antiquated bullshit! Are you all serious? Did you leave your brains at the door or at home?!! What do you mean 'turn my will and my life' over to the care of a hay bale? You guys are f*cking crazy..."
They told her to sit down and listen, to take the cotton (that they had just harvested, by the way) out of her ears and, yep, put it in her mouth. She said those recovering Farmville Freak Zombies didn't even take the prickly stickers out of the cotton chunks they gave her at the door. So she had to sit and sit, and sit and sit some more. Her mouth and ears began to bleed. She wondered if it was from the cotton, or from listening to all the smelly OldTime Farmies telling their endless boring stories about how much they liked sheep. Lots of sheep. They confessed outright and loudly that they did strange things with their sheep, and then the room would burst out into laughter. It gets worse...
Many FAA's said they were obsessed with sheep, that they were powerless over their sheep, that they had an incurable disease. They said their sheep now had the disease too.
As her eyes glazed over, she daydreamed of being back on her parents' farm, hiding in the pig pens tending to the smelly hogs. "It's better than sitting in *this* pigpen smelling *these* hogs," she thought silently to herself.
Months went on, and she was given more cow chips. She was told to get a sponsor and work the steps of FAA. When she was done, she was led to another room where BEHOLD!! There was Farmer Wilson again, with his outdated Farmer's Almanac, standing next to a golden cow.
That was when the chanting began...
GIVE UP FARMING!!
WE'LL SHOW YOU HOW!!
WE CAN DO IT!!
AND YOU CAN TOO!!
WORSHIP THAT HAY BALE
AND SHOUT MOO!! MOO!!!
They offered her the golden cow.
They knew she was weak.
They chanted she had a disease.
They chanted she was powerless.
"OH DEAR HAY BALE!!! I MUST HAVE A COW!!! I HAVE TO HAVE ONE!! I'll GIVE YOU my sheep shearers!! I'll give you my FARMS!!! Just PLEEEEEEEEEASE... GIVE ME ONE!!!" They told her she could have the golden cow if she would only ADMIT her powerlessness.
She fell to the floor, crying. She knew she was defeated. That was when she surrendered. She knew she had to get help with her disease. She had hit her bottom. She couldn't help it. She was powerless. Her farming life was unmanageable. And it's all because she had a disease. They told her there was no cure, that she would be a recovering Farmie forever. They sent her to Farmville Rehab. That was where she was given the Sweet Tea. She reluctantly drank it. For years and years she drank the sweet tea, hoping that her Brahma Bull would stop doing push-ups out in the hay fields. She spent years hanging around the smelly pigpens of FAA, dosed out on illogical inorganic nonsense and horse tranquilizers.
They told her if she ever left, it was the Horse Farm for her!!
Can you imagine?!! But don't be alarmed. The story ends happily. One day she made the decision to leave FAA. There had to be another way! This couldn't be the Only Way for sure. She knew it in her gut. She no longer farms today. She made the decision to Quit, and stay Quit on her own without the 'help' of FAA, and to Quit FAA as well....for good.
In her new book she hauntingly wrote: "They wanted to send me to the CITY!!! Thank hay bale I finally left that FAA!!! I AM FINALLY FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
She's not powerless. She never was. Today she is empowered. She does not have a Disease. Today she lives with Ease. No more Farmer Wilson's rhetoric, endless pig chants, and horrid sheep stories from smelly hogs. Her book is great. When it came off the presses for the first time, she smiled tearfully, remembering the wonderful day she finally moved back to her old farmhouse, and burned her outdated 1939 Farmer's Almanac in the bonfire at sunset.