Rainbow here!

First off, thank you all for the nice welcome.

Ya know, when I think about all the years I spent in & out of the roomz, and then in again for long periods, and finally out again for good, I sometimes feel a sense of disappointment and sadness overall. I truly wanted to believe. I got involved deeply, from my heart and soul. Along the way I met a whole lot of interesting and diverse people, friends who held my hand when I needed it, who called me, liked me, encouraged me, etc. I was there for a whole lot of people myself. I hope in some small way that I helped some along the way. I genuinely do care for and about my fellow human beings, brothers & sisters, friends. When someone is having a difficult time, perhaps suffering from whatever is challenging them, I'm there. I cheered others on and encouraged them to be their best, do their best, and to have fun doing it. If we're not having fun, what's the use? So I hung out with friends that liked going to camp-outs, picnics, dances. For those friends that were there for me in a genuine, honest, loving, good-intentioned, caring way, I have a very special place in my heart for each and every one of them.

I tried my best in NA/AA. Along the way I did a lot of self-examination, I learned ways to express my emotions that had been bottled up for decades, began believing that I actually could stay abstinent. I wanted to get back to the real me inside that I had lost, become stronger, learn new coping skills, and get on with my life. Without harming myself anymore. That's what I signed up for.

At first I didn't question too many things. There was no way I wanted to return to my old lifestyle, so I grabbed onto AA/NA with a death grip. It was all that was offered. I believed what I was being taught and told. XA said their way was the only way. Even when I didn't quite think that certain things being said, read and done were of a true nature (or a logical one), I went along with a lot of it. I really worked those steps hard. I read everything I could get my hands on about addiction and recovery, in addition to a lot of reading that was outside of the AA/NA box. Knowledge is power. The more you know, the better off you are. Our minds are amazing. We can do anything once we set our minds to it.

Fast forward to 2008. Hadn't been in the roomz in years, didn't need to. I had been living a good clean life (on my own), being responsible, successful, totally involved in events like Burning Man & other regional burns. My daughter was out on her own doing great. Once in a blue moon I'd have a Sierra Nevada pale ale. Could take it or leave it. After my gastric bypass surgery, however, having a drink got way out of hand real FAST. With my reconstructed tummy (pouch, we call it) alcohol goes straight through and in to the small intestine, incredibly fast and the most incredible high I had ever had. One glass of wine affected me as if I'd drank three. Two drinks put me at a blood alcohol level of .28 -- I kid you not. What a whirlwind. I became very deeply depressed, drank frequently, got a DUI, got further depressed, slashed my wrists open with a box cutter and painted my kitchen in blood. I was a mess.

I went to Path of Hope rehab in Lexington, North Carolina. It was hardly a path of hope. Bible belt, extremely Jesus environment, evangelistic and negative fear-inducing recovery. I could write a novel about that horrid experience alone. (This here is already becoming too long. I apologize.)

Anyway, I had to write a 4th step. I did it exactly the way I was instructed, wrote down every secret thing I had ever done (a total repetition of my other intensely sad & painful 4th steps) and every thing that had been done to me. Couldn't understand WHY I had to rehash the past. I did my 5th step with a woman, a stranger, someone 'unbiased' who was brought in from the outside, who I was told did this often, a real "pro" at listening to the women patients.

I believe this was the Beginning of my End with any kind of 12step program, only at the time I did not see it as such. Now I do see it. All too clearly. Blindly, and naively, I trusted her. When I told her about the years of molestation as a kid, she asked me what my part was in it. "My part? What do you mean MY part? I had no part. I was an innocent child, a victim. What PART could I possibly have in that?!!"

She replied, "You didn't tell anyone."

I felt like I had been shot. Stun gunned. I was numb. I got up & I told her I was DONE, mixed in with a whole lot of not very nice things I screamed at her. How dare she. And how many other women had she said that to? I left the next day. I stayed sober for a year, then moved back to CA because I became a Gramma. I LOVE BEING A GRAMMA!! :) Coming back out here was stressful. Sacramento sucked. I don't do well in big cities anymore. Now I live in a small town of 15K people. I went on a 6 month binge. An almost every day binge. I was on Planet Blackout.

My last drink was in September 2010. I quit for good that day. I had had enough. Plus, I did not want my grandson to have a drunk for a Gramma. He is my rock. My heart smiles when I think of him, and when I watch him, which is often, I can't describe a greater Joy.

So I went back to AA. It's all they have around here, with the exception of Celebrate Recovery. The nearest SMART meeting is 30 minutes away West or South. The people in AA seemed a bit more mature than the NAers and less melodramatic. I saw they had more sober time there too. I did everything I was told to do, got a sponsor, jumped into service at 22 days sober, had 6 positions before I could blink my eyes, was on committees, yada yada yada.

I became overwhelmed with all the work I was doing. The more work I did, the more they wanted. I got tired real fast of meetings being nothing more than constant war stories, god god god god, romancing the booze with such vivid descriptions that I felt like getting drunk as soon as the meeting would end. I listened to people rehashing the past over & over & over & over, and talking about more god god god god, the same slogans over & over & over, and a whole lot of negative.....brainwashing. Nothing said was positive. What I realized had happened in AA was that nothing ever changed in the roomz. I've been to 12step meetings in over 12 states. It was all the same.

I felt I was changing inside more & more, that I had grown, was getting stronger inside -- mentally, emotionally, physically --but all I was hearing were the same old things I had heard for years, the same stories, the same things being read over & over, and most, if not all people were talking like pre-programmed zombie robots, talking the language that only 12steppers talk. I know the language all too well. I was on my way to being a lifeless blob myself at times.

However, gradually I was becoming very aware of just how negative the input was. "First thought wrong. Who told you you could think? Shut up, sit down, take the cotton out of your ears, put it in your mouth. Keep it simple Stupid. You're powerless over alcohol, drugs, people, places & things...and everything else in your life. Your life is unmanageable. If you leave the roomz you will die. Do the steps or die. Acceptance is the key to all your problems. Go ahead and drink! You'll be back! Turn everything over to god...." blah blah blah, ad nauseum.

I wasn't being empowered by anything. I wasn't progressing - I was going backwards. I felt stagnant. I felt stuck. I was told my feelings weren't OK, that I was my problem, constantly reminded that I had a part in everything, that I was diseased & had 125+ defects of characters. They actually had a LIST. Where I come from, we call 'em personality traits & human emotions. I began telling folks that I liked my so-called defects of character & that I'm especially keeping the rebellious one. LOL

My eyes began opening up to a whole new realm of awareness. Then I realized these were the same things I had been listening to for 2 decades. The same words, only now I was seeing it for what it really was. I saw women being 13stepped. I was one of them being hit on by yucky pervs. It was disgusting. Where I come from, we call it sexual harassment. I saw members stealing from others, robbing the club's funds -- and nothing was done about it. "Outside issues..." they said.

I've been ripped off by sponsors & so-called friends who I trusted & believed in. One gal owes me $187. I sued her 18 months ago & I'm still trying to get that money. My now-EX-boyfriend got me a job working for an AAer. She owes me $700. I'll never see that one.

I was told to stop taking my meds. 4 months later I was suicidal again. I got back on my meds & my sponsor was disappointed in me. Little things kept adding up. Charlie Sheen opened my eyes and ears last year & I was hearing things coming out of his mouth publicly that I had been feeling inside. Hmm, maybe I wasn't making up this crap afterall, I thought to myself. I told my last sponsor that I thought AA was a cult. She replied, "So what if it's a cult, IT WORKS!" Whoa.

I began investigating & reading other books. Wow. I found out that AA had a 5% success rate, that I was sitting amongst pedophiles & domestic violence offenders/abusers. I know this because I began looking at the Sheriffs booking logs, seeing mugshots of people who were in AA/NA.

Oh, lest I not forget to mention the 'Intergroup Tribunal of Old-Timers & AA Members' who took over my meeting one day before I could even get it started. They belittled, embarrassed, humiliated & shamed me in front of 50+ AAers, making accusations at me & telling me rumors they'd heard around town -- harmful, untrue things. When I tried to defend myself, not one person spoke up to help me. No one said anything. I wished I had walked out that day. I did for a couple of weeks, but then folks coaxed me back. I went back, but again it was like the Beginning of the End of my journey there.

I found the orange papers purely by accident one night. Then I found all those other sites that Hank listed in his posting somewhere here. It blew my mind. Now I was really AWAKE. I began hearing people's stories about their experiences, and it validated my feelings & thoughts. I began questioning everything then. I began rebelling. I told them I didn't believe what I was being told anymore. In return I was told my thinking was insane, to read the big book, talk with my sponsor, go to more meetings, go to different meetings. I stayed. Didn't want to, but I stayed.

Then it was time to do a 4th step again, my sponsor insisted. I couldn't see the point of it, really. I'd already spilled my guts in the past many times already, made amends, meditated in my garden. "Why rehash what is done and over with?"

I really began asking people, "Can't we just move forward?" THAT was another realization, that nobody was really moving forward. I saw old-timers with 18/27/35/40 years sobriety and they were dull, drab, boring, always talking in the past -- miserable specimens of drone-like, robot human existence. I did NOT want to be 78 years old some day way in the future and be like that.

I had 3 people on my butt, telling me I HAD to do that 4th step -- AGAIN & again & again. The pressure was overbearing -- "If you don't do it, you'll go back out and drink...and then it's death for you, you know that, right?" I have never felt so much guilt, shame, blame and fear as I have this past year. My sponsor, boyfriend & another just would NOT let up.

Then one afternoon I had what can only be described as a mini-nervous-breakdown. I exploded. I told them all to BACK THE F##K OFF -- NOW. The anger in my eyes and face told them I was serious & it made them back down alright -- for about a whole 3 minutes. Then it was, "Well, do you think we can revisit this a little further down the road?" NO. Absolutely NOT. I refused. Where I come from, NO means NO. What part of NO did they not understand? I was done. I was not going to put up with this anymore. I turned in my keys, gave up all my positions, wished them well, and I walked out.

That was Mothers Day. I will never go back. Not with what I know now. I was amazed to find out that many once-addicted people just Quit with their destructive behaviors, stayed Quit, and are still staying Quit. Then I found out I really only had (and have) 2 real friends out of all those folks who wore masks, pretending they were my friends up until the day I refused to conform, and left. Oh well. I can make more. I *am* making more. :) I had a much better Mothers Day that day, I do have to say. I spent it with my grandson. We went on a 9 mile walk up to a special place I like to be in out in nature. We had a fun picnic with Chinese food under some redwood trees and watched the peacocks display their plumage. :)

I feel like a newcomer all over again, only in a waaaaaay different capacity. Getting AA out of my head is a bit challenging sometimes. I catch myself saying I'm 'grateful' about something & I roll my eyes at the word and I'll cringe all over. I cringe at a lot of words, so I'm finding other words.

Lastly, what I want to say is that I finally feel a freedom within me that I am really amazed at. I'm no longer scared. I lost the desire to drink a long time ago -- about 18 months ago. It vanished. God (or rock & doorknob) didn't do that -- I did that. No more guilt. No more shame. No more fear. Sometimes I get a bit angry, and I'm trying hard to work on that. It comes and goes. For so many years I was told it wasn't OK for me to get angry. "Can't get angry, girl -- you'll go back out and drink/use!" With that kind of encouragement, I can see why some people do go back to drinking. I mean, what's the use if you're "powerless, have a deadly incurable disease that is only going to end with jails, institutions & death?" I don't buy it anymore.

Sometimes I feel sadness & disappointment, because I believed for many years in so many people that I know now had lied to me...or were only passing on to me what had been passed on to them. A whole new world has opened up to me. A calmer world. A whole new group of caring, intelligent people, who have their own thoughts & feelings, and talents galore who are coming into my life every day. My family is so happy that I'm around more, and they see my 'true me' blossoming.

Does AA work for some people? I think so. I've seen it work for many. I'm truly happy that it works for some. It's not for me, though. Is it the only way? I don't think so. I've found some things that are outside the box. Did I get some good out of it along the way? Yes. Did I get some bad? Yes. It was definitely a learning experience. Last night I was thinking, "What's the best thing I have gotten out of AA?" I thought of my best friend Debrielle, and it made me smile. People call us Peas-n-Carrots. Debrielle happily accepts my new path, just as I lovingly accept her path in NA. We all have our own paths. It's all good.

OK, I'm about to press the Send button. *long pause*

Hope I did OK.

Peace!