Anyone Ever Think About Suicide?

Please see a therapist/counselor to discuss this. This is a serious topic and I think you would be wise to find a medical professional to help you in this matter.

I've thought of it a lot of times. It's a stupid thing to do. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Hep C isn't the end of the world. They have a treatment. The treatment isn't at all fun, but it can work. It's a chemotherapy treatment –– a self-injection of interferon once a week along with an anti-viral pill once a day. And even if you have it and don't do the treatment, it's a condition you can live with. Many people don't have any symptoms at all. Some people have fatigue. There are WAY worse things to have. Lupus isn't the end of the world, either. It's just a matter of dealing with the flareups.

What IS the end of the world is suicide. It would be the end of YOUR world and not only that, it's a selfish thing to do. Think about the people who love you and how it would effect them. It's just not fair so don't even think about it.

When you're at the doctor getting tested for Hep C, tell the doctor you're depressed. Get some help. Life isn't easy, that's for sure... but it's definitely better than the alternative. Remember the joyful times. You've had some. You'll have them again! Hang in there.

Recognizing that you are feeling this way is a good start. You need help with the rest. I don't know what resources are available to you, but there must be somewhere you can seek help for these feelings. Regardless of what you are feeling, self termination is not the answer.

Hepatitis is not a death sentence. You can make adjustments to your life to accommodate this disease, if you do in fact have it.

I have a family member battling lung cancer. It is terminal, but he fights for ever extra day he can get. Life is a commodity of incredible value to those who want it. Don't be hasty in giving it up.

Shit. Yeah, I hate life sometimes. And sometimes I don't. There have been plenty of times when I've felt helpless and hopeless and asked "what's the point?" I don't know what the point is or if there is even a point. I do know that I've experienced a lot of wonderful things in my life just because I stuck around and kept living. You don't know what's around the corner, you don't know who or what is waiting for you. But I would bet all the tea in China that there are beautiful things in your future. Now, I may not know you, but from what I've read here you have a lot to offer: Intelligence, humor, insight, wisdom beyond your years and the potential to become someone and something you are unable to grasp from where you sit right now.
Hepatitis is not an automatic death sentence. It's something that you'll live with and deal with the best you can. I know a couple of people who have lived with it for years and I'm glad they did. I would miss them if they had chosen to opt out of this world because of it.
Suicide can't be undone. It's permanent and that's that. Walking through the shit that some of us call life is temporary in my experience. We can feel better, live better, be better and flourish if we give ourselves the permission to feel like hell on earth when we need to. If we give ourselves the permission to chase life and all it's pain as hard as we chased our escape, I do believe joy is attainable. We will never know if we aren't around to greet it.
Many of your posts have touched me on a personal level, Ironic. I smile when I see your name. I think about something you wrote about beginning medication at 8 or 9 years old to deal with your depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts often. Whenever my daughter starts to get all anxious and fearful, I think of what you said and spend some extra time listening to her and making her feel as protected and loved as I possibly can.
I think about what you said about your mom also-how she thanks you for not dying. The sincerity and love that that statement carries brings tears to my eyes. She means that. You are loved.
Thanks for being alive, Ironic. You have taught me many things.

I have thought about suicide in the past when I was very depressed and I did self medicate to avoid issues but the problem was made worse by using alcohol and drugs. That was a long time ago and I have come a long way since then. I have known three people who I was close to who have taken their own life and that is so sad. They did not find the help they needed and were all talented people.
When I stopped substance abuse it was a bit of a roller coaster ride for a bit until I found somebody I could trust to talk to and she was able to help. There was no instant cure and we tried a few different approaches until I made some progress and I have never looked back. I hope you are able to find somebody with the right kind of experience to help you.
My partner has serious medical issues and that is tough as well,but I try to keep myself as healthy a possible these days so that I can be there for her. I have undergone a couple of major health scares myself and it is not easy waiting for results but that is part of facing up to life and you will feel better once you have them and can take action if you need to.
I wish you the best of Luck and hope that you get the good care you deserve. Problems tend to go away in time if you can face up to them and start to take some action.

Ironic, my husband had hep and went through the entire interferon treatment. Having hep doesn't have to end a relationship or anything else. Best of everything to you.

We don't know each other and most likely never will.

I think about it too, you are never alone.
I wish you the best.
Daniel.

Ironic,

This is such a tough subject. I recently read that people shouldn't even talk about it, as it gets them obsessive. On the other hand I read that people should talk about it and always reach out. I've thought about suicide quite a bit, especially about two years ago when I was struggling. I came up with two conclusions: I'd likely to be too scared to go through with it and I had a responsibility to everyone that I come in contact with to stay alive. I ended more down than ever because I obsessed about it, trying to rationalize it. The thing is, I didn't want to die. I only wanted to not feel so awful. If I died however, I'd never get a chance to feel anything again. There is no going back. As a result, I don't contemplate it anymore. I hope to never find myself in that place again.

You have touched a lot of lives. Just think of the forum alone, how people have popped up to express how you have impacted them in a positive way. I'll always remember how you were there for me last fall when I was going through a big adjustment with my meds. We interacted nearly daily. I've never said thanks to for that, and now that I think about it I feel a little bad for not expressing myself earlier. I appreciate what you did for me a great deal. Thank You! You stepped up to bat for me, a woman (20 years your senior) that you didn't know (2000 miles away), and offered genuine support, encouragement and good solid advice. This is something I didn't have from anyone else, it's not as if it's in the mainstream. This med gave me a chance to live normally and not struggle daily with emotions such as one you are experiencing now. It's a wonderful relief for me, and you played a role in it.

I hope this helps in some way. Please just stay up and don't let yourself get caught up in self destructive thinking. It leads to nowhere good. Crossing my fingers for you today!

Please, please see a counselor/therapist/medical professional. They are specially trained to assist people in your situation. They can and will help you. Wishing you and your girlfriend all the best.

You make a point Ironic, but I'm not sure it's an expectation. Saintly people are probably the only truly unselfish people, that's if there is such a thing. Sometimes I think it's a fallback position, when all else fails pull out the "think of it will do to everyone else" card. Generally people want to feel needed and loved. We all know this so we try to let others know that they are needed and loved.

Ironic,
I don't know you & have only been on the forum for a short time. But I also have been impressed by your intelligence & insight & feel supported by your presence on this forum. Please try to get some help to feel better. Every one here is rooting for you.

Just to echo what other people have said here. I think Avo's comment was especially wise, especially when she says, "The thing is, I didn't want to die. I only wanted to not feel so awful."

Many, many people have reached this point at some time in their lives. It happened to me in my late 20s. I could see no reason for carrying on, the problems seemed insurmountable, I could see no future that I'd want any part in, and my despair and hopelessness were absolute. I literally wanted to crawl away and die. It was only the fact of being a mother that saved me, I think, because although I could see no point in carrying on living for myself, I could not have done that to my young son. But professional counselling helped too, even though I was pretty sceptical about it to start with.

It seems impossible now, and it might even piss you off that I say it, but things WILL get better, even if it takes some time. I won't preach to you about what it might do to the others who love and appreciate you, because I think you should be concentrating on yourself right now and loving and appreciating yourself a bit more. What you're going through is tough - very tough - but try not to let it totally defeat you, and try to get in touch with the courage that you undoubtedly have. It's so sad that the achievement of your graduation should be blotted out by so many other negatives going on in your life, but it is a huge achievement anyway, especially considering what shit has been piled on you in the past (which would have led many, many others just to give up).

Try to hang on in there, girl! Self-destruction never helped anyone. Even if it puts a stop to the pain, you won't be around to appreciate the fact. You painted a wonderful (and enviable) picture of yourself a couple of months ago, when you said you were curling up on the sofa with your girlfriend smoking a joint. That's the kind of moment that's worth living for, and there will be many others, whatever shit you're going through right now.

Ironic, I know that feeling of hopelessness , it's a depression that's all consuming. Like others have said get some help from professional . You have been helpful to me and others on this forum , we would very much miss your intelligent wit. I was a very successful creative who lost everything in this economic downturn , sometimes it get's overwhelming . you hang in their and I will to.

Ironic,
My son was diagnosed with hep C in H.S. while donating blood. He had been infected since birth, I am negative, his father was an IV drug user, now dead & died without us ever knowing if he had had Hep C. My son was healthy, a great athlete, played rough sports, never had an ill moment due to the Hep C. My son did die young, it had nothing to do with the Hep C, when he died he was healthy. I also know the feeling of hopelessness & just wanting this to end, to not have to do another day, but I am glad I did not act upon my feelings when I felt that way. I agree that anti depressants are really good medicine, they do not solve all problems, but they take the edge off. I barely know you, but feel you have a lot to offer, this forum, the people in your life, the people not in your life, but who you have helped & will help. I genuinely really hope you feel better & reach out to a medical professional who can help you feel better. Please keep us posted.

Take the advice offered. Don't go being silly. I like you & I bet lots of other people do to. Besides I've always been a big fan of the lesbians, I've seen all your movies.

Ironic, I wasn't here earlier, but read through the thread. I don't know if you're feeling better or not, or maybe just a little better. It's an overwhelming thing, what you are thinking about today, especially if you're already down. It may not be the case, though, and if it is, you'll hurt your girlfriend much more by harming yourself in any way than by simply leaving her. I get the selfish/not selfish part of it, and am not trying to dog you on that count. Remember, also, that you can end up in a dismal black hole that doesn't necessarily get better right away with some substances if you're on them for a long period of time. Some people are depressed already (which sounds to be the case with you), but sometimes it gets a bit worse due to the drugs your brain is exposed to.

I don't know the answers, I just know that it all seemed permanent to me and so many other people, the dismal black hole business, that is. I personally didn't stop being depressed until I cleared everything out of my system, and I mean EVERYTHING. That's not the answer for everyone, and certainly isn't what is recommended by most professionals, it just worked for me. Which doesn't help you much either, sorry, I guess I'm just trying to say that I was there where you are, and felt utterly worthless and so beyond depressed I could barely breathe. It got better. It got so much better it was kind of strange. It's worth a try.

Use your intelligence. Weigh it out. Do what you think is best. It's your choice.

"The First Night"

"The worst thing about death must be
the first night."
—Juan Ramón Jiménez

"Before I opened you, Jiménez,
it never occurred to me that day and night
would continue to circle each other in the ring of death,

"but now you have me wondering
if there will also be a sun and a moon
and will the dead gather to watch them rise and set

"then repair, each soul alone,
to some ghastly equivalent of a bed.
Or will the first night be the only night,

"a darkness for which we have no other name?
How feeble our vocabulary in the face of death,
How impossible to write it down.

"This is where language will stop,
the horse we have ridden all our lives
rearing up at the edge of a dizzying cliff.

"The word that was in the beginning
and the word that was made flesh—
those and all the other words will cease.

"Even now, reading you on this trellised porch,
how can I describe a sun that will shine after death?
But it is enough to frighten me

"into paying more attention to the world’s day-moon,
to sunlight bright on water
or fragmented in a grove of trees,

"and to look more closely here at these small leaves,
these sentinel thorns,
whose employment it is to guard the rose."

~ Billy Collins

hey Ironic , just so I can grasp what happened between every moment being sober a torturous hell, to packing for a flight to smoke med grade in boulder , to i'll never shoot the shitty heroin , so I'm guessing your over the suicide? Which is a good thing..

Ironic, I’m so very sorry that you’re hurting so much. Like you, I had suffered depression even as a small child. I lived that way day in, day out, for decades. It’s not easy at all. When I was a teenager it was really bad. I was always wishing I was dead. And I tried to kill myself once and failed miserably. Until recently I’ve lived in constant pain. Through the years I tried many antidepressants. When the doctors would ask if they were helping, I honestly didn’t know because I didn’t know what happiness felt like. Sincerely, I had no clue. And I spent many years reading self-help books, thinking I could somehow find something that would fix the pain. I also had counseling, and while it helped somewhat, it wasn’t fixing me. That’s because my neurotransmitters were off balance.

Actually it wasn’t until I went into detox that the doctors there decided to try a new medicine on me that was supposed to help with a different chronic physical condition in addition to depression. While early sobriety was quite scary, I began to notice that I felt better in some ways. But I was still unhappy because AA was bringing me down and wrecking my head. For the first time in my life my depression was far more situational than chemical. Then a stepper persuaded me to stop taking my meds, one of them I had been taking for more than a decade. This was the only other time that I was genuinely suicidal. It was only the knowledge that what I was suffering from was chemical that saved me. If I had been any more racked with pain, I might not have realized this, and I’d be dead today.

But my meds are fucking fantastic and even beyond not feeling sad anymore, everything is now different. Very different. I now realize that I was living a life that was just different shades of grey. Colors were grey. Tastes were grey. Music was grey; it’s like I had never really heard it before. Aside from the fact that I’m very concerned about 12 steps being used for treatment of drugs and alcohol, my life is really good. Not great, mind you, it’s not perfect, but I’m happy with the way it is. One thing though, that I’ve realized is that there are a lot of people who live every day in constant pain; both physical and emotional.

Ironic, you are in a HUGE a transitional state right now, having just graduated from University to a feeble job market. Transitions can bring on loads of stress, depression and anxiety. Try to keep in mind you have a lot on your plate.

Your girlfriend sounds very special. She obviously loves you and not everyone gets that privilege in life to be so loved. And many people wouldn’t want to be with someone who has had a drug or alcohol problem because society in general thinks we are a big risk. I’m sure if she’s willing to take that risk, she’ll be willing stand by you if you have hep.

Everybody here thinks very highly of you, Ironic, including me. Just know that there is hope but in the meantime, get some help. They are always developing new medications.

Becket fuck off.

HI Ironic- I'm glad you are feeling better. Right? A drink with med m maybe like human spirit suggested. Like you told me last week we are not in AA anymore....so

I love talking to you on the phone. I am so proud of you graduating from College. I never did. I was sober and too afraid to go back to college in those early years. Then life happened. I did study at The Groundlings and at Playhouse West. Acting classes were so much fun! Voice lessons were so much fun. Maybe you need to have some fun ....

So, I am not suicidal but after I was preyed on by middle aged men in AA, circa 1976 I was turning 19 , 1 year sober, i rented a room in Kailua, no one gave me a cake, I turned 1 year sober and spent it alone, I had no friends cause all the peeps were friends with 13 stepper #1,

I was severely depressed. I should have drank and left AA. instead I took AA meetings into prison. Each Wednesday as I drove Lilllan's, my friend, 10 years my senior, I guess I had two freinds....LOL 1975 Toyota Corolla over the Pali Highway , I imagined how it would feel to drive off the cliff into the abyss where many have committed suicide. I watched the cliff each week as I drove. I talked about how I felt to the killers inside the AA meeting ( in the Oahu Prison). I swear those guys made me feel better and make me laugh which no one could make me do back then....and the Hawaiian couple that took me in surely loved me in a very special way. I love the Hawaiian people, anyway I finally moved out of that house with those creeps, rented a room and then moved over the hill into Honolulu where there was more for me to do. I loved Honolulu. I still do.

WHen I talk to you it reminds me of those early years. It really gets better. There are stages. Even if we are all not in 12 step there are stages are growing up.

If you need to smoke, drink, eat, run, laugh , cry, call all of us on the phone...have a drink of blackberry brandy ( one of my favs) with a friend. Do it!!!!

I really hope you dont. You have a special voice...on the blog in your writing and even when we talk on the phone. Be kind to you. Tell the critical mind to shut the f###k up. Opps sorry.....

btw- I dont think suicide is selfless...I use to say that. Now I think Its very very sad. When I saw my brother in law Brian last year in his casket ( a cardboard box actually ) after he hung himself in my sisters apartment , I remembered how he told me about the way AA pp treated him in the end. He should not be dead. PLease Ironic .....:)