Over on Humanspirit\'s blog, Causeandeffect commented that every step and every aspect of the program should be scrutinized. I agree and thought the obvious place to start would be with the first step.
Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
Powerlessness. That one word is what I find the most disturbing and detrimental about the whole program of AA. I have no power. I have no control. I have no say. I am at the mercy of everyone and everything. I am nothing. I must be taken care of. I must be told what to do. I am not capable. I am not smart. I am not worthy. I can\'t do it!!! I am powerless.
What does it mean to admit powerlessness? Is it really as soul crushing and self defeating as I see it? Or is it simply a way to open the door to a new way of thinking? And what does that new way of thinking entail?
Below is a list of questions pertaining to step one. I answered and asked these once a week, every week, for a year, in an AA group.
*Dear God, please set aside everything that I think I know, so that I may have an open mind.*
My way of living gets me scared, alone, drunk and suicidal.
Do I have the desperation of a drowning man tonight?
When I start drinking do I have little control over the amount I take? When drinking, do I crave another drink, then another...?
Have I ever tried to quit entirely and found that I started again, no matter how many promises I made, willpower I tried to summon...DUI\'s, jails,rehabs, meetings, family conflict etc...
Am I having trouble with: family? friends? jobs? mood swings? depression? anger? loneliness? fear/anxiety? uselessness?
Based on everything I\'ve considered here, can I now say that I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable?
Am I an alcoholc?
So, there\'s the step one that I experienced. And boy oh boy did I feel powerless. Scrutinize away!