A Vision for You

     ...Two days later, a future fellow of Anonymous Alcoholism stared glassily
at the strangers beside his bed. "Who are you fellows, and why this private
room? I was always in a ward before." 
     They grinned at him in a way that he didn't like. Said one of the
visitors, "We're giving you a treatment for alcoholism." 
     Hopelessness was written large on the man's face as he replied, "Oh, but
that's no use. Nothing would fix me. I'm a goner. The last three times, I got
drunk on the way home from here. I'm afraid to go out the door. I can't
understand it." 
     Asked one of the visitors, "Can you move your right hand?" 
     With a puzzled look on his face, the man tried it, and discovered that he
could.
     Asked one of the visitors, as he offered a glass to the man, "Can you pick
this up with your right hand, and put it to your mouth?" 
     The man tried it. "Why, yes, I can," said the man.
     One of the visitors filled the glass with whiskey, and handed it to the
man, and asked, "Can you use your right hand to lift this glass to your mouth,
and drink all of this?" 
     The man discovered that he could. 
     One of the visitors filled the glass with whiskey again, and handed it to
the man, and asked, "Can you use your left hand to lift this glass to your
mouth, and drink all of this?" 
     The man discovered that he could do that, too. 
     Said one of the visitors, "That explains it. That is what is happening to
you on the way home from here. At least one of your hands is lifting glasses of
whiskey to your mouth, and you are drinking the whiskey. That is why you are
getting drunk." 
     Said the man, "This is amazing. No one has ever been able to explain it to
me so clearly before. I want to join your church right now." 
     The visitors thought they noticed something different about him already. He
had begun to have a spiritual experience.

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                          New Alcoholism Treatment

     We have developed a new treatment modality for alcoholism: the
Cheech'n'Chong Treatment Program. It works like this: whenever you get
cravings for alcohol, you put on a ballerina's tutu and slippers, and Mickey
Mouse ears, just like Cheech and Chong in the movie "Up in Smoke". Then you
jump up and down on one foot, while juggling five tennis balls, and reciting
Shakespeare sonnets. Continue this procedure for as long as the cravings last.
     Rarely has this simple program been known to fail, except for a few
unfortunates who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves
while wearing a tutu.  It works, if you work it. 

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     And so does my magical ice cream cure that I just invented: Every time you
get cravings for alcohol, you just go to Baskin Robbins and eat ice cream
instead of drinking alcohol.  I particularly recommend the French Vanilla.
Definitely avoid the Rum Raisin.
     This simple program does not and can not ever fail, if you completely give
yourself to this simple program. Rarely have we seen somebody fail this simple
program, except for a few people who are constitutionally incapable of being
honest with their ice cream. There are such unfortunates among us.
     So Keep Coming Back! to Baskin Robbins. It Works If You Work It!
You Die If You Don't! So Work It, You're Worth It!