Breeding the Uebermensch Alcoholics Anonymous is actually part of a giant secret conspiracy that involves the CIA, the Trilateral Commission, and the AMA. It is a eugenics project whose goal is to clean the garbage out of the shallow end of the gene pool by getting all of the stupid and gullible people in the country to kill themselves. That goal will be accomplished by generously sprinkling the mental landscape with "I.Q. traps", things that are like land mines, but which work on the mental, rather than physical, plane. The idea is that the smart people will dodge such traps, but the stupid people will moronically bumble right into one and get eliminated. The philosophy behind the Uebermensch Project is the idea that anyone who is so stupid that he can be talked into committing suicide really should -- he really should be eliminated from the gene pool to make room for somebody with a few more working brain cells, and to keep him from making a bunch of children who are as moronic as he is. One spectacularly successful example of an I.Q. trap was the Heaven's Gate project. There, a bunch of unbelievably gullible web-heads were actually talked into committing suicide so that they could "hitch a ride on an invisible flying saucer that was hiding behind a comet, and go to Heaven"! The boys in the Creative Concepts department nearly died laughing when their suggestion actually worked. They had never expected it to. They had proposed the Heaven's Gate project as just an outrageous joke, one dreary rainy afternoon when they were bored with having no real work to do. Now their new department motto is: SOME PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING. Another example of an I.Q. trap, one that we take a little more seriously, is the Alcoholics Anonymous practice of teaching people that they are "powerless over alcohol" and incapable of controlling their own drinking. A.A. teaches their intellectually-challenged members that if they even just feel like having a drink, they will "get triggered" and mentally blank out, and start drinking, and spin totally out of control, and be completely unable to stop drinking. Since the people who go to A.A. are people who already have a drinking problem, the results are predictable: Those people who are gullible enough to believe the "powerless over alcohol" doctrine will go on wild drunken binges and die, hopefully before they reproduce, which will very conveniently wipe out their idiot genes. So far, our eugenics experiment is working well. We can confidently predict a net five-point increase in the average I.Q. of all Americans by the year 2300, and ten points by 2500. We foresee, however, that the increase in the average intelligence of Americans will eventually render the simpler, stupider, I.Q. traps ineffective. Nobody will get fooled by them anymore. In the long run, we will need much smarter, much more sophisticated I.Q. traps than the ones that projects like A.A. are giving us now. We are working on that problem. In addition, the increase in the average intelligence of Americans will also cause great difficulties for the politicians, who won't be able to fool people so easily any more. We have examined and debated various solutions to that problem, but have not found any easy answers. We have decided, for the time being at least, to do nothing. We are temporarily adopting a strategy of "Let the politicians fend for themselves. They will have to grow smarter, too." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright (C) 2005, Secret Agent Orange More jokes and other enlightening recovery information at: http://www.orange-papers.org/