Press Release:
                      New Faith-Based Treatment for Alcoholism

Serenity Street, a traditional 12-step residential drug and alcohol treatment
facility, is proud to announce the addition of Papa Doc Charlie Ngobo of Haiti
to the staff, to enhance the spectrum of faith-based treatment options available
at the center. Papa Ngobo is a master voodoo witch doctor, who has 30 years of
experience in the practice of spiritual medicine for the treatment of hexes,
evil spells, demonic possession, and zombification. Papa Ngobo explains that he
favors the pointing of the chicken leg bone for treating alcoholism, combined
with the shaking of an amayomama voodoo rattle, and chanting secret
incantations. And, says Papa Doc, occasionally "You steek dee acupuncture
needles in dee voodoo doll, mon, and eet keep you sober."

Papa Ngobo continues, "Rarely, mon, has dees seemple program been known to
fail, except for a few unfortunates, mon, who are constitutionally eencapable
of being honest weeth demselves, mon, while dey is having duh chicken bones
shoved in dey faces."

Indeed, the patients are already enthusiastically recommending the new therapy.
Said one, "This new spiritual program of treating the whole patient, mind,
body, and spirit, is wonderful. Just as soon as we even began to accept the
Voodoo Trinity of Bon Dieu, Legba, and Damballah as our Higher Power, we
commenced to get results."

Papa added, "Dee Voodoo program never fails, mon, eet eez dee indeeveedual who
fails dee Voodoo program."

Another patient remarked, "Papa Ngobo has an infallible method for ending all
selfishness and self-seeking immediately. When you surrender to the Higher
Powers of Bon Dieu, Legba, and Damballah, you become a mindless zombie
without a shred of ego, self-will or self-centeredness remaining. It's
wonderful!"

And a patient who had been an agnostic said: "That floored me. It began looking
as though religious people were right after all."

Papa Doc commented, "Dees Voodoo program eez spiritual, not releegious, mon.
Eef eet were releegious, mon, den I couldn't get all of dat Medicare and health
insurance money, mon."

Papa Doc Ngobo left us with one last piece of advice for handling cravings, "You
steek dee lime in dee coconut, and dreenk eet all up. You steek dee lime in dee
coconut, and call me in dee morning..."

Serenity Steet is also proud to announce that they have signed an employment
contract with Ms. Helga the Witch, of Devonshire, England, who will soon be
bringing her own special brand of faith-based, "eye of newt, wing of bat",
spiritual cures to the clinic.

Furthermore, Serenity Street is in deep negotiations with a certain famous Count
who resides in Transylvania. This Count is reported to have had a compulsive
drinking problem for centuries, a problem he just recently overcame, with the
help of a twelve-step therapeutic program. It is hoped that the Count will soon
be another insightful, helpful counselor at the center.

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Copyright (C) 2005, Secret Agent Orange
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